Why do people with trauma easily recognize other people with trauma through eye contact?
08.06.2025 00:00
I'm saying that as a WARNING, so that other people will NOT make MY mistake of being TOO UNDERSTANDING of other people's faults, foibles, and questionable behavior.
Suffering and Trauma leaves someone looking exhausted, defeated, and frustrated.
Like when you talk to somebody. They casually respond (acting distracted). Their demeanor, (plus WHAT they said— and HOW they said it— is: “Okay, I said something. Now I'm done. Next task!”
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When that realization occurs: be very careful NOT to allow your incredulity, (OR THE SYMPATHY that they have EVOKED IN YOU) create self-doubts in your mind and in your heart.
DON'T be deceived by that devious narcissistic trick!
If I would have LISTENED to my instincts (which were ACCURATELY WARNING ME about somebody's true nature)—the problem would have ENDED quickly.
What is the funniest joke you've been told that you still think about to this day?
Because you will constantly recognize their behavior as you're reading the articles. The descriptions of behaviors—and when someone tells you words a narcissist WILL SAY or what a gaslighter WILL SAY can HELP YOU recognize their toxic behavioral traits.
If you are a person who easily senses other people's traumas, sadness, struggles, and you find yourself being overwhelmed by that— then there is a lot of other information you can find online (and at the library) for FREE— which might be able to give you suggestions of how you can cope with that overwhelm
If you ever manage to find a therapist who can do SOME of that for you, consider yourself lucky.
“SORRY ” is the most USELESS word in ANY human language.
If I would have listened to my instincts— which told me to AVOID that person in the future—then I would have NEVER been hurt by the same person over and over and over again.
When somebody takes a problem that you're having; an adversity you're facing; or a trauma you're struggling to deal with— and they use it to mock you, ridicule you, and treat you as if what you're going through is IRRELEVANT—then you NEED to PAY ATTENTION to that DENIGRATION.
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That kind of behavior is cruel and narcissistic.
Even if somebody just says something to you perfunctorily— at least they responded.
They ASSUME that the kind, helpful person will ALWAYS have time to spend with them, and will ALWAYS be there to comfort them, encourage them, support them, and Empower them in various ways.
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Especially trifling, inconsequential matters.
Don't SETTLE for what you can get.
Trauma Victims KNOW all too VIVIDLY the ANGUISH that TRAUMAS CAN CAUSE.
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Compassionate people will see somebody suffering and IMMEDIATELY reach out to try to let them know that someone cares, wants to help, is willing to understand, and listen, if they need to talk.
Hindsight is always 20/20.🤔
And DON'T take them for granted if they continue to be a part of your life.
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When people keep taking a compassionate, helpful person for granted, (and trampling on their emotions when the helpful person is in DISTRESS,) you WILL reach a Point of No Return in your relationship with a kind and compassionate person.
People say “I'm sorry”— and they expect to be forgiven (or they assume that they ARE forgiven) BECAUSE they hold themselves COMPLETELY BLAMELESS for THEIR part in ANY conflict that THEY IGNITE.
Because it will ALLEVIATE a lot of your CONFUSION and UNCERTAINTY that was causing you SELF-DOUBTS.
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Do NOT allow yourself to be DECEIVED when they immediately say that THEIR problems are so overwhelming to them that they can't be bothered to worry about anybody else's problems.
Selfish people will see somebody else suffering and totally IGNORE it—because they DON'T care about anybody but THEMSELVES.
EMPOWER yourself with KNOWLEDGE regarding Toxic Behavior and Toxic People.
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You can look at somebody— and in the blink of an eye—tell that they are suffering and weighed down by emotional, physical, or psychological burdens.
AFTER I reminded them of what they said that was so insulting AND why it PROVED that they are a narcissistic, self-centered, gaslighter.
And they will do it without REMORSE.
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Otherwise, it's a very definition of a one-sided relationship where one person is doing all/most the giving and the other person is doing all/most of the taking.
But this was the LAST TIME.
If they are compassionate and caring by nature, Trauma Victims will WANT to do their UTMOST to try to HELP OTHERS and COMFORT THEM SOMEHOW.
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You will learn the Hard Way in life that there are people who exaggerate to create FAKE DRAMA. They will talk like their life is a daily soap opera and be overly-dramatic about everything.
Instincts are given to us for a REASON. When human beings IGNORE their instincts that's what starts a lot of TROUBLE that WE COULD HAVE AVOIDED if we would have just LISTENED to that inner intuition trying to keep us safe.
You will know if somebody is truly suffering when you get the impression that: if breathing was NOT an autonomic reflex— that person would just give up and choose NOT to breathe.
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ANSWER: Because suffering is obvious to anyone who has Empathy and Compassion.
THEN you're going to feel like you've been hit by a runaway freight train and MANGLED under all of those churning wheelsvGRINDING your soul to a bloody pulp
If somebody has Compassion, Empathy, Sympathy, Understanding, and GENUINE Concern about other Human Beings—then the sight of somebody having difficulty of ANY kind will torment them.
REMEMBER:
People who have TRULY Endured and Survived abuse, neglect, and traumas KNOW (with haunting clarity) what it feels like to be subjected to lots of different kinds of suffering.
What those kinds Toxic People DO is make life even MORE DIFFICULT and MORE MISERABLE for ANYONE who is SUFFERING.
I'm sure there are plenty of readers here on Quora who have experienced conversations that left you feeling what I just described.
It's taken me a LONG TIME to find enough information about psychology and various disorders like narcissism, narcissistic abuse, gaslighting, scapegoating, histrionic personality disorder, borderline personality disorder and many other different types of Behavioral Abnormalities which has helped me to sort out what is TRUE and when people are acting in lying, deceptive ways.
PRIORITIZE: Your needs. Your desires. Your goals. YOUR future
Dismiss or Denigrate the difficulties/ adversities that a Compassionate Friend in your life is going through (one too many times) and you will learn very QUICKLY that: Every Relationship Has An Expiration Date.
By Saying and Doing things that are HARMFUL which undermine your self-confidence, your self-esteem, your sense of self-worth.
Make sure you express your appreciation to the person who reached out to you.
So PAY ATTENTION when anything or ANYONE makes you feel deflated, depleted, or defeated.
Unfortunately, we ALL run into people who are very selfish, self-centered, cruel, vindictive, spiteful, mean, jealous, envious, and hateful.
This person HAS to be the center of attention at ALL times. To do this, they subject other people to raging outbursts and ridiculously overly-dramatic behavior.
What I have found very LIBERATING is reading all of the true-life stories here on Quora. They teache me that I've been putting up with TOO MUCH toxic behavior from FAR TOO MANY people for WAY TOO LONG!
That's how you give someone who has betrayed you the PAYBACK that they deserve. Because they earned that type of a Payback.
You were trying to give somebody else “the benefit of the doubt.” Usually because you're being too compassionate and too empathetic. You're caring MORE about SOMEBODY ELSE'S ISSUES than you are caring about YOUR OWN PROBLEMS.
Once THAT TRANSFORMATION starts happening, you're going to get LOTS Toxic People out of your life. 🦋
They will be angry; they will be depressed; they will be overwhelmed; they will be confused. They will be hurt and disillusioned in VERY POIGNANT WAYS. You can SEE and FEEL their suffering and inner turmoil when you look at their facial expressions and see their dejected body language.
Honest therapists here on Quora, & elsewhere, will admit that the PATIENT is the one who has to do all of the hard work in order to heal and make progress in therapy.
I learned that lesson again from a Gaslighting Narcissistic Abuser that I ENDED the relationship with today.
You DO NOT need a psychology degree in order to come to very ACCURATE conclusions that these people who are AGGRAVATING YOU actually have mental health issues.
Today was just another example— when I realized that I am so stubborn and hard-headed about being compassionate (as my default setting)— that I DO NOT DO ENOUGH to PROTECT myself from HARM!
LEARN as MUCH as you can so that you can develop powers of DISCERNMENT that will allow you to recognize FAKERS and DECEPTIVE PEOPLE more QUICKLY in order to PROTECT YOURSELF FROM HARM—and from wasting valuable time on people who are emotional vampires that drain your dry and leave your energy completed.
People who are REAL Trauma Victims will have an APPROPRIATE demeanor when they're talking about what they've Endured and Survived.
The outcome of how much you can help yourself— and others—depends on how much insight, enlightenment, self-awareness, honesty, courage, and analytical abilities that we possess based on what we've learned and been able to accept and confront SO FAR in our lives.
Which leaves you feeling as if you are as consequential to them as an item on their To-Do list. Like: Feed the Dog. Take Out the Trash…
The Sad Truth of the matter is, when someone is a victim of childhood abuse, neglect, and traumas (plus enduring and surviving traumas throughout the rest of their life,) this means that you are a SCAPEGOAT of your family.
PEOPLE who have ACTUALLY Endured and Survived trauma, (no matter how bad it is, ) will ALWAYS reach out to try to help another person because they know how HORRIBLE it feels to be going through adversities ALONE (not having anybody in their life caring about THEM.)
THEN you start developing NEW STANDARDS.
When somebody treats you with contempt— you need to make absolutely certain that you let them know that you were offended, the relationship is over, and you PROVE to them that they are IRRELEVANT to YOU.
You will notice suffering in their body language immediately. Because the person will be walking very slowly, dejectedly, and with difficulty. They will seem very distracted, withdrawn, and troubled.
Based on each person's individual natures, HOW they REACT to someone who is suffering will VARY.
REDIRECT all of the energy and emotions you are SQUANDERING on people who are NOT WORTHY OF YOUR REGARD.
Most people who are LUCKY enough to have somebody who is GENUINELY concerned about them—take those people for granted.
If you IGNORE those WARNING SIGNALS —YOU'RE going to get MANGLED emotionally and psychologically.
I keep learning that: Compassion makes me DENSE. As in Thick-As- Brick DENSE!
Some people call those instincts and intuitions: LISTENING TO OUR BETTER JUDGMENT.
KEEP them out of your life FOREVER.
EVERYTHING seems to trigger these self-absorbed narcissists. All they do is rant and complain about minor annoyances that other people would just brush off and ignore.
If a Trauma Victim/Survivor DOES decide to TRUST YOU with such a Hurtful Secret— then they are putting themselves at Great Risk— because they are revealing something that will make them VERY VULNERABLE.
Trauma Victims valiantly continue to Endure and Survive ARDUOUS TURMOIL that would crush somebody else.
Seeking the validation of others will ALWAYS undermine yourself confidence.
There is no limit to the depths of this person's self-pity.
You don't need to discuss anything with a psychiatrist or therapist and get there approval of your diagnosis. That's just going to cost you a lot of money and waste a lot of time. You can evaluate your interactions with others and very accurately all by yourself.
That's vain, childish, Attention-Seeking behavior.
Even when they're angry: you will see the Enduring Sadness in their face and in their posture. Because people who have had GENUINE TRAUMAS act as if the world is resting on their shoulders.
That knowledge will end up becoming your SHIELD and your SWORD.
REDIRECT ALL OF YOUR emotions and energy and focus PRIORITIZING YOURSELF.
That's why it's CRUCIAL for people who have actually Endured and Survived traumas to learn as much about narcissistic abuse as possible.
Then they change the subject. (Usually back to something that involves THEMSELVES.)
Because they actually lived through it and are willing to help you solve your problems and offer you comfort.
If you make the mistake of doing THAT, Toxic People will say something disparaging, and invalidating— so that you feel deflated (like a balloon that was just popped.)
That's why I'm urging people to TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS.
And if they really HATE you— they're going to make it their mission in life to ruin your entire life and destroy you in ANY way possible.
And you are willing to settle for any little CRUMB of attention, affection, recognition or acknowledgment that you get from other people.
Toxic, selfish, deceptive, narcissistic, abusive people ALSO can't stand to see anybody else happy.
ANY kind of an interaction or relationship with another person needs to be RECIPROCAL for it to be Mutually Beneficial.
Those blog responses about people's real-life experiences will also teach you that abusers WILL NEVER TAKE RESPONSIBILITY for ANYTHING harmful that they say or do.
Friendships and Partnerships of ANY kind are ALWAYS supposed to be RECIPROCAL relationships that are Mutually Beneficial
Because of the fact that they mocked my suffering and the adversity that I am going through. And they've done it MORE than once.
Suffering leaves indelible marks on a human being's face and the appearance of their body, and their body language.
When Trauma Victims see somebody else suffering— they are looking at a mirror-image of their own suffering. Suffering that they are enduring presently, or suffering that they have endured in the past. (Sometimes, BOTH.)
Because the translation of what they said is: “I don't give a damn about you. . You are MEANINGLESS to me.”
They have NO REMORSE for their words and actions. They just made excuses—like all narcissists do— to justify their behavior and hold themself BLAMELESS.
When I chastise myself and tell myself I am being too harsh and judgmental— THEN I give someone another chance.
The purpose of therapy is SUPPOSED to be giving the patient suggestions that the PATIENT can use to help them cope with problems so that their symptoms of mental illness or distress can be ameliorated.
PAY ATTENTION to those DOUBTS because THAT'S a WARNING SIGNAL.
Once you are realize that you're GIVING TOO MUCH, and other people are TAKING too much FROM you— then you have to throttle it back and set a different pace for yourself. A pace that is slower, more cautious, more analytical, and MORE PROTECTIVE OF YOURSELF.
Because as soon as somebody denigrates, insults, minimizes, invalidates, trivializes, or DARES to tell you that “your trauma is not as bad as you THINK it is” then you KNOW with absolute certainty you have met an ENEMY.
Based on how you worded your question, I'm guessing that you had one of those surprising and reassuring experiences when somebody noticed that you were troubled and expressed caring and concern for you.🙂
You ACCIDENTALLY trusted a narcissistic abuser who will ALWAYS think that THEIR problems are WORSE than ANYBODY else's. Then they will proceed to denigrate, insult, invalidate, minimize, and ridicule other people's problems.
It's very difficult for the Human Spirit to SOAR like a balloon— if you've got somebody in your life TORPEDOING you by popping that balloon of happiness, positivity, or accomplishment in ways that make you PLUMMET into dejection, anger, despair, or self-doubt.
I have also found the writings of Dr. Sharon Martin which can be found on psychology today.com (and her own website) to be very compassionate and very helpful.
I just taught a narcissistic, gaslighting so-called “friend” THAT LESSON today.
BUT they continue to PERSEVERE.
You made the MISTAKE of trusting the WRONG person.
Trauma Victims and Abuse Victims (and ANYBODY who is suffering from an emotional, psychological, or physical problem that is TORMENTING them) will seem like doing the simplest task requires more energy than it would take to lift an elephant high off the ground with your hands.
There will NOT be a smile on their face. They will most likely be frowning, grimacing in pain, or they will look overwhelmed, fed up, frustrated, or in despair.
That's why I encourage everyone here to read articles and responses on Quora—and other psychology blogs. Use this information to develop CHECKLISTS of Symptoms and Behaviors of Personality Disorders. This will help you to determine what kind of behavior someone else's subjecting you to that's causing you distress, confusion, and conflict.
If something feels dangerous to you then listen to your instincts because: YOU ARE IN DANGER!
Attention-Seeking behavior amounts to Exhibitionism, Vanity, and a Self-Centered focus in life.
Dr. Sharon Martin's articles How To Be a Better Friend To Yourself and another article entitled The Power of Self-Love are two of my favorite writings of hers.
You might want to do some additional reading and research about Empaths by reading Dr. Judith Orloff's book The Empath's Survival Guide.
Their words and actions PROVE they have NO compassion for others.
Because it PROVES that they are getting great pleasure and perverse enjoyment out of YOUR SUFFERING and ANXIETY.
WHY?
I reminded this person of my constant compassion and support when I told them: “All Relationships Have Their Expiration Date— and you've just reached yours.
They'll NEVER be happy for you if you share with them something that you're proud of like: an accomplishment you just achieved.
THIS is the reason why the true-life stories on Quora are so VALUABLE:
Because their life has become such a MISERY they just want to disappear!
Because those types of experiences and feelings are at the CENTER of EVERY trauma.
Make people EARN your attention, Your respect, Your concern. Your TIME. Your ANYTHING.
I'm urging you to listen to the advice that you get from the true-life stories of people who have actually Endured Survived traumas, abuse, gaslighting, scapegoating, and other ordeals.
Because today was the last time I'm ever going to tolerate THAT kind of behavior from this person. Relationship OVER. I’m DONE!
The writings of Kristen Neff, who focuses her psychotherapy around Self-Compassion may also be helpful to learn coping techniques.
Because THAT IS the weight of the burden that they are carrying inside of themselves.
The comments they make are usually one or two sentences long and have NO depth. The whole interaction action is PERFUNCTORY
At times that wait becomes unbearable, yet Trauma Victims PERSEVERE. Because we DON'T want our enemies to defeat us.
My advice is DON'T let ANYBODY or ANY situation in life TRAUMATIZE YOU FURTHER.
Narcissistic abusers will do this WITHOUT HESITATION.
Because a lot of people have Munchausen Syndrome. They PRETEND to have traumas, cancer, and other types of problems just to GET attenion and SYMPATHY (and MONEY) from other people.
You will be very GRATEFUL for having that ENLIGHTENMENT.
When I realize that I made a mistake— I realize that those words LISTENING TO YOUR BETTER JUDGMENT are so TRUE.
Do your best to forget them, and move on with your life. Because you've wasted enough time on a person who BETRAYED YOU
Narcissistic abusers and gaslighters will ALWAYS BLAME the OTHER person for EVERYTHING.
PAY ATTENTION to the DOUBTS that YOU are having about their HONESTY.
They are TOO SELFISH to care about anyone else but THEMSELVES. But they are trying to make YOU feel sympathy for THEM so that YOU won't hold THEM accountable FOR THEIR CRUELTY TO YOU.
USE that KNOWLEDGE to PROTECT and DEFEND YOURSELF.
My problem is: I have too much Sympathy and Compassion for people.
I know I'm no exception to that rule. I know they will never apologize. But I made sure that they knew WHY I was ENDING the relationship and WHAT THEY DID that I refuse to tolerate any longer.
FATE has put me through relentless traumas and adversities. The only way I've ever been able to COPE with all of that is by trying to find meaning in it. By looking for the lessons that the toxic experience and those harmful people and situations have TAUGHT me. So that I can do my best to avoid turmoil in the future.
Making jokes and flippant, sarcastic remarks reveal somebody's CONTEMPT for you.
The reason WHY it's so difficult to figure out WHO is lying and WHO is telling the truth is because Deceptive People learn how to be very convincing actors.
When you start CONFRONTING your traumatic past— and you begin working through all of the Toxic Fallout— you REALIZE that you have been SETTLING for FAR LESS THAN WHAT YOU DESERVE in EVERY relationship you've ever had.
Start recognizing this tendency in yourself and become determined to find people who will treat you with the kind of understanding and care that you actually deserve.
Even if they HAVE, they're NOT supposed to be WASTING your TIME and MONEY during a session in their office talking about what THEY went through.
BECAUSE: the ONLY REASON that a Trauma Victim can ever DISCERN for going through all of that HELL—is that: “Maybe I learned SOMETHING from that trauma/adversity that I can SHARE with somebody else to COMFORT them and help LESSEN that tormented person's burdens SOMEHOW.”
Toxic People will make absolutely certain that they do as much damage to a person as they can— just to ruin their day.
That's NOT trauma.
Once you figure out that they are scam artists, then you notice every single flaw and Red Flag in their performances.
THEN, no deceptive devious person can say you're imagining things, you're making things up, or you're not correct. Because you will have articles written by people with psychology degrees that CONFIRM that your evaluations are correct.
Get toxic people OUT of your life as SOON as possible.
Don't Second-Guess yourself when those instincts or intuitions WARN you that the other person is a FAKER, a LIAR, a CHEATER, a DECEIVER.
Feels pretty amazing when that happens; doesn't it?
The types of people WHO WILL DO what you mentioned in your question about easily recognizing other people with trauma are often classified as Empathic people or Highly Sensitive People (HSPs).
That's why anybody who has ACTUALLY Endured and Survived traumas will be VERY sympathetic to others who indicate that they are in DISTRESS.
I have showed this person nothing but kindness, sympathy, compassion, support for YEARS when they shared their troubles with me—subjecting me to their tumultuous histrionic melodrama.
If you don't stand up for yourself CLEARLY and EMPHATICALLY —then you are NOT defending yourself and being your own Champion in life
This person has MANY traits of Histrionic Personality Disorder and extreme narcissism.
Because they are USING YOUR PAIN as a WEAPON to BLUDGEON you FURTHER and make you FEEL WORSE.
I put up with other people's neediness and tumultuous behavior for FAR TOO LONG.
Mocking, ridiculing, and laughing at somebody else's distress and adversities is NOT compassionate.
My realization today was this:
Due to the fact that the people who are SUPPOSED to love us, care about us, and treat us with respect DELIBERATELY CHOOSE to say and do HARMFUL things to us instead.
People who are TRULY traumatized are very reluctant to talk about their experiences because they are afraid of being ridiculed and not believed.
They will hold themselves completely BLAMELESS for EVERYTHING they ever said or did TO ANYONE that was harmful.
If something feels wrong to you— then it's WRONG FOR YOU.
They SELDOM say anything helpful or sympathetic when I (rarely) mention that I'm struggling with something.
It's going to be very unlikely that you will find a therapist who went through similar ordeal that YOU'RE enduring.
People who are showing Compassion and Empathy to others SHOULD be more appreciated than they usually ARE.
I've known all along this relationship was a one-way street. I do all the giving— they do 98% of the taking.
What the Narcissistic Abuser who just said/did to you just PROVED to you that you are absolutely MEANINGLESS to them.
They will ALWAYS hold themselves completely BLAMELESS and ABSOLVE themselves even when you END a relationship and tell them to take a hike.
You HAVE to give people consequences for their actions and their words.
Encounters with Toxic People will ALWAYS leave you feeling like what I just described.
The only thing a psychiatrist knows is something they learned from a book. Those are just theories, NOT facts.
Because people are going to try to exploit you so that they can get what they need. In the case of doctors, they will be happy to perpetrate Medical gas lighting or psychological gas lighting in order to get what they want from you which is money.
So, they will reach out to others— just like you noticed in your question.